When I am rigorously honest, a lot of my walk with Jesus is filled with failure and compromise.” Me
What I want to write on Fathers’ day 2009 is about hope; rooted in our Fathers mercy and compassion. I am not here to make excuses for my life, but I know I did not come to this life with a “full deck” and my parentage had some scripting that resulting in me becoming a “survivor”.
In 1972 the Holy Spirit apprehended me, resulting in me becoming a Christian,. Since that wonderful day, my life completely changed, forever.
Fast forward to June 2009. Now 63, father of two wonderful sons, a merciful wife and two adorable grandchildren.
I can see, somewhat dimly, that my motivations in life have been for recognition, applause, and acceptance, aka, Love. This produced in me what I call “performance based faith and life”. So when I failed or sinned, I ran away from God not to Him. I was delusional about a Fathers’ love. I transferred that delusion on, to my Father in heaven. I really owe my Father an amends. Under the lash of shame, guilt, self pity and the devils words of lies, I ran away, always fearful that God was just about “through with me”; that if I did come back to Him, I would be on probation for the rest of my life, and any misstep would send me outside His home and family.
I now know I bought into a lie.
My freedom in the Holy Spirit to be a son, friend and lover of God is growing. To be honest, my shelf life for this grace lasts about 24 hours. Failure to enlarge my spiritual life in Fathers ’s love begins to erode, and quickly.
I became aware this week that parts of my life, I have been living on probation with humans and most of all, with Holy Spirit. Let me clear and honest, I have been acting out unhealthy and self-destructive lifestyle. This results in real guilt, shame and emotional pain. The Holy Scriptures honestly proclaims there is “pleasure in sin for a season”. This was my experience too. The Scripture makes a bold statement of truth, “for a season”. This is the real rub I can see more clearly, “I just want to get by”, words I tell myself.
What do I do?
Run away from God, not too Him. Like a bastard son, wrongly believing I am on the sidelines of His heart, waiting for the probation to be over and then, sit in the back of the house, an orphan spirit sparingly tolerated. Lies, all lies.
It takes God to love God, and what I have written is impossible to overcome without His aid. It is our Fathers heart.
So I proclaim to you who read this blog. You are not on probation. Happy Fathers day.
OnSite
Thanks for sharing your thoughts to a father. Without loving her I would have never known what a father’s heart could feel for his child.
Keith
Longed for Love, but settled for Attention….sounds familiar to me. I’ve discovered that my Father’s Heart has 3 characteristics that are played out by famous Scriptual Fathers:
Abraham was WILLING to sacrifice his son Issac. God was WILLING ti sacrifice His Son Jesus (God did not get the same reprieve that Abraham did.)
David wept and grieved and WAILED at news of the death of his son Absalom. God WAILS and grieves and perhaps weeps when one of his children (me and you) turn away from Him in disobediance or refuse to accept the fullness of His Grace by rejecting the Gospel and Jesus Christ as Lord of our lives.
The prodigal son’s father longed for his son, he watched for his son, he looked for his son, and he WAITED for his son. At the first site of his son coming back to him he ran out to meet him, to shower him with love and privleges. So does God my Father WAIT for me and you. He longs for us, He watches for us and WAITS for us to turn toward Him so that He can shower us with HIS LOVE….a LOVE that surpasses all human understanding.
I love you Ken.
“The prodigal son’s father longed for his son”…
Love this example…But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion {for him,} and ran and embraced him and kissed him.
you’re right…we have a tendancy to run away (not towards)
he stays put, not only hoping for us…but watching while we may be afar off
it aint human…it’s God.
Never mind understanding it, knowing it’s there is where His power transforms us.
Bless you my brother for your candor. You are not so different than most of us.