When I am rigorously honest, a lot of my walk with Jesus is filled with failure and compromise.” Me
What I want to write on Fathers’ day 2009 is about hope; rooted in our Fathers mercy and compassion. I am not here to make excuses for my life, but I know I did not come to this life with a “full deck” and my parentage had some scripting that resulting in me becoming a “survivor”.
In 1972 the Holy Spirit apprehended me, resulting in me becoming a Christian,. Since that wonderful day, my life completely changed, forever.
Fast forward to June 2009. Now 63, father of two wonderful sons, a merciful wife and two adorable grandchildren.
I can see, somewhat dimly, that my motivations in life have been for recognition, applause, and acceptance, aka, Love. This produced in me what I call “performance based faith and life”. So when I failed or sinned, I ran away from God not to Him. I was delusional about a Fathers’ love. I transferred that delusion on, to my Father in heaven. I really owe my Father an amends. Under the lash of shame, guilt, self pity and the devils words of lies, I ran away, always fearful that God was just about “through with me”; that if I did come back to Him, I would be on probation for the rest of my life, and any misstep would send me outside His home and family.

I now know I bought into a lie.
My freedom in the Holy Spirit to be a son, friend and lover of God is growing. To be honest, my shelf life for this grace lasts about 24 hours. Failure to enlarge my spiritual life in Fathers ’s love begins to erode, and quickly.
I became aware this week that parts of my life, I have been living on probation with humans and most of all, with Holy Spirit. Let me clear and honest, I have been acting out unhealthy and self-destructive lifestyle. This results in real guilt, shame and emotional pain. The Holy Scriptures honestly proclaims there is “pleasure in sin for a season”. This was my experience too. The Scripture makes a bold statement of truth, “for a season”. This is the real rub I can see more clearly, “I just want to get by”, words I tell myself.
What do I do?
Run away from God, not too Him. Like a bastard son, wrongly believing I am on the sidelines of His heart, waiting for the probation to be over and then, sit in the back of the house, an orphan spirit sparingly tolerated. Lies, all lies.
It takes God to love God, and what I have written is impossible to overcome without His aid. It is our Fathers heart.
So I proclaim to you who read this blog. You are not on probation. Happy Fathers day.
OnSite

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